It’s been a long time since I wrote about something deeply personal. There were times when I wanted to just write the day away, but I always stopped short of doing so because I thought, “Who would want to read about what’s happening to my life?” But I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the holidays, and I finally decided to sit down and write everything.
Towards the end of 2025, I started thinking about “stepping back” and reducing my load. I told some friends that I wanted to lie low and focus on self-care, my family, and my creative projects. I was so busy last year that I had to shelve my plans for my theater group, Oro Teatro Bulawanon. I focused on my commitments with Rotaract, CDO Bloggers, and the Liceo U Alumni Association. I didn’t want to, but it was the only way to go. I didn’t have the resources (and the people) to help me set my plans into action. On top of that, I spent most of the year looking for a job. I convinced myself that abandoning the plans I made at the start of the year was the right thing to do.
My decision to step back was a result of that action. Despite all the good things that happened in 2025–successful projects, unexpected travels, and a job by the end of the year–I felt incomplete. I was frustrated and disappointed in myself because I allowed other obligations and commitments to set aside my personal projects. I wanted so badly to stage my mom’s plays–a straight play and a musical. I felt that by putting everything on hold, I also disappointed my mom.
My mom, she was the one who taught me to love the arts, particularly theater arts and creative writing. In high school, she helped me write scripts for our projects in English, speech, and drama classes. She wrote Reyna Elena after attending a playwriting workshop by the late Nestor U. Torre in 1983. She submitted her script to the Palanca Awards for Literature and won 2nd place in her category. She wrote another play in 1988, a Binisaya musical, in Quezon City, where we lived at that time. These are the two plays that I wanted to stage last year as a tribute to my mom. Failing to do so made me feel bad. So bad that I cried. That was when I decided to step back and take a break.
Before last week, I was sure about what I wanted–a simpler, less chaotic, and more self-focused year. I was sure that I wanted to take a break. But some friends coaxed me out of my melancholy and urged me to keep going. They told me I could always take a break when I wanted to, that I didn’t need to give up something that I love. This made me seriously rethink my plan.
This morning, I woke up knowing what I wanted to do–keep doing what I love and take time to relax and care for myself and my family. The only thing that I have yet to decide on is whether I should push through with my plans for my theater group or not. I still do not have resources, especially funding. I cannot get my members to commit. And I am not sure that the same people and groups that supported us before still support us now. I am not even sure that people see us as a legit theater group. So, yes, I am contemplating what to do. Right now, I think only a miracle can save OTB.
I’m not sure why I am sharing this with you. I just wanted to get it all out. I guess I just want someone to agree with me–that sometimes, no matter how good your plans are and how committed and persevering you are, things can still go wrong. Sometimes, you have to set aside your personal goals so that you can help others fulfill theirs. I just hope that someday, I’ll find that someone who’s willing to set aside their plans and help me finally achieve my goals.