I went to Metro Manila last February 27 and stayed there, in Makati, with my sister and niece for two weeks. Aside from spending time with two of the most special people in my life, I used the time away from Cagayan de Oro to weigh things. A lot of developments happened before I left CDO and I needed time to think. It was a working vacation, but my plan worked. I was able to think, although I’m still quite unsure where I should go from here.
A couple of days before my flight back home, another surprising (but not unexpected) development happened. So I spent the whole night thinking and questioning myself. I was alone in the condo, so I just cried. I let it all out. My sister and niece never knew what happened because I was back to my normal self when they got home later that night.
Anyway, yesterday, on the plane back to CDO, I decided to write everything I was feeling. It was the perfect time to do so. I was alone (the seats beside me were unoccupied). I was thousands of feet up in the sky and all I saw when I looked out the window was darkness (I took a night flight). Here’s what was going on inside me while flying home:
My first encounter with Eve Ensler’s The Vagina Monologues was in March 2005, when two of my high school students were invited to perform with the production that was staging the show at Rodelsa Hall. At that time, TVM was an entirely new concept for me. But after watching my students rehearse with the entire cast, and after hearing all the pieces in the show, I fell in love with it.
I fell more deeply in love with The Vagina Monologues when I became part of the 2008 production, which was also staged at Rodelsa Hall. At first, I was just the production manager. Later on, our director Jamee Rivera, urged me to join the cast in delivering that year’s spotlight narration, To Stop the Violence Against Woman.
In the years that followed, CDO did not stage any TVM production. But this changed in 2013 when my former students, Dio & Cheeney, and I decided to try applying for the rights. And just as December started, I received the confirmation from the VDay org. That was the start of our grueling, but satisfying, journey.
Every year since 2013, we’ve tried our DARNEST best to recruit volunteers, look for sponsors, and venues. It was always a struggle. A challenge. And this story went on for years.
This year, we had to move our show date three times because of numerous factors. I am partly to blame for this because I like to do everything myself if nobody else is there to do them. An old habit that’s hard to break (ask my former students; they know me well). I’ve also been quite lax with a lot of things. The root of it all, however, is still the lack of financial support.
Without financial support, I can only do so much. I don’t like this idea, but that’s the reality of our world. (I wish I was just making this up)
So now, everything is hanging. I’m not really sure what to do next or if people still trust me; or if I can still trust others to work with me. This has been a really painful eye opener and I’m not sure I can get through this.
Still, I’m hoping and praying for the best. I believe God is ready to open a better door for me and those who still trust me. In the meantime, I’ll keep doing what I love. And nobody can stop me from doing so.
So, help me, God.